Crohn's Disease practically took over my life up until recently. I had a rough time at the University, I was not getting very good grades for the first two years, and spent the rest of the time just trying to bring my GPA back up. Because I was so worried about doing well and was scared of the idea of not graduating, I did not give myself the chance to truly enjoy my time in college.
If there is anything worse than the physical limitations of Crohn's, it is the deep isolation and loneliness. While I made some wonderful friends that I still connect with, I did not take the advantage of going out on any given day, or opened up to people to make a lasting impression. I was afraid that being open would make me seem depressing (although I didn't try very hard to hide it), or I would somehow burden people by sharing details about my life. I have been told on several occasions that I am closed-off, and that is why even writing this blog is so difficult for me. During those years, I developed anxiety and depression, which are very common issues associated with any chronic diseases.
I can recall one summer when I spent a lot of the time in the hospital. I was out by August, and one of my best friends tried to arrange her birthday party so that I could come. It was supposed to be my first night out in public since I was discharged. A few hours before her party, I suddenly felt anxious about the idea of being in a big crowd at a loud place that I had an anxiety attack at work. A friend picked me up, and took me home. I ended up not going to her birthday, and I felt horrible about it. I missed so many weddings, graduation parties, birthdays, you name it.
I need to mention my family in this post. While I have an amazing support system, my family has been with me since day one. The summer that I mentioned in the last paragraph - well I was stupid, and stopped taking my meds. I stopped eating because I had no appetite, and I was incredibly thin. At the hospital, they treated me for anorexia in relation to Crohn's. I had a PICC line that caused a blood clot (my right arm was huge). I also went through many tests, blood transfusions, eating nasty hospital food (I still don't understand how that garbage helps patients feel better). But the worst part of it was that my family had to suffer all of it, and it was my fault. I never want to do that to them again. That summer is just one example of how much they have been there for me, and words cannot express how much I love them. I still live with my parents (my brother and sister live out of town). I wish I could say that I help out a lot with the cooking and cleaning, but I still struggle to this day to do my fair share around the household due to the lack of energy and fatigue. I try so hard, but always fall short of doing a decent job helping. My family understands what I am going through, but I always feel like I am letting them down somehow. I know that the only person being let down is me.
Without the Crohn's, I don't believe that I would be the same person I am today. It has given me the compassion and patience to work with kids who have experienced their own traumas. Crohn's has also taught me to be strong and take control over my own life and happiness. While I am not in remission, I am much more healthy and energetic now, and have a more positive outlook with everything. Last, but not least, Crohn's showed me how to love and appreciate everyone and everything around me, and to not take anything for granted. It's like what Rafikki said in The Lion King, "You can either run from it, or learn from it".
I could go on and tell several stories, but the main thing that I want to point out is that my story is not unique. My "Why" for participating in the marathon is to bring an understanding of some of the things that people with IBD have to deal with. The marathon is for all the times I missed out on important events, for all the times my family and friends were hurting because I was hurting, and for all of the times I fought and still fight the good fight.
On a final note, here's an update on my training. I didn't exercise much last week because of the colonoscopy (which really sucked), so I am just getting back on track. Today, I went on the bike again.
This was only my second time, and I did strength training yesterday. My plan is to do ST again tomorrow, take a break on Thursday, then back on the bike Friday. I hope to reach a goal of 40 minutes and/or 10 miles. I am planning to go bike shopping this week, because this weather is too beautiful to pass up!
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