Relationships

It's been a while (no, I haven't been listening to Staind) since I wrote on this blog. I was terrible when it came to writing in diaries or journals. I suppose that's okay since my mom couldn't find out about all the crazy stuff that I did. Just kidding, mom!

Honestly, I was hit with Crohn's full force before I had the opportunity to do anything stupid. I never had the desire to be rebellious, not because I had (and still have) a ridiculously guilty conscience, but because I allowed the disease to take over my life. I never smoked, partied, or even lied about who I was hanging out with. I kept thinking about things such as, "What if I got sick, and I can't find the bathroom?" or "What if I get into so much pain, and there's no way for me to get home?" Overall, I am a very anxious person, and Crohn's with elevated anxiety is never a good combination.

I am an introverted person. I love to spend my time reading, watching movies, and walking outdoors. I prefer to be with a small group of people than go to a party, and am a better listener than talker. With Crohn's, I became more introverted to the point of isolation. I broke promises with friends, and I refused to explain to them why. I didn't want to burden them with what's going on in my life. I didn't let anyone "in" until a few years ago, which made it hard to develop many meaningful relationships in college. Now that I am out of school for the time being, it's even more difficult. I can go  to as many events and gatherings as possible, but it seems like strong friendships and cliques should have already been established. I have also never been in a real relationship before. This was brought home to me when I stumbled upon an article, "What You Should Know if You Fall in Love With Someone Who Has Crohn's Disease". http://thoughtcatalog.com/kim-quindlen/2015/04/crohns-disease-relationships/

I think it's safe to say that I am the type of person who will go to the ends of the Earth to support and help someone I love, whether it's family, friends, or that potential special someone. But there have been more times than I wish to admit when I was unable to be there for someone. It is part of the reason why I am afraid of meeting a guy. When will I tell him how sick I am, and how much information should I share? I don't want to feel pity or that I have to be taken care of all the time, and I don't want him to feel that way. And call me crazy, but I worry about having kids. People have said that the Crohn's goes in remission during pregnancy, but comes back after giving birth. Plus, the idea of kids seeing their mom sick and unable to provide for them is terrifying. I do not want to put them through that, and it is partially why I go back and forth about wanting kids. It's also another barrier I have with guys - how many of them (especially muslim men) do not want kids?

This article along with people in similar situations made me realize that there's someone out there for everyone. I am 28, which means that I am on the borderline in becoming a spinster according to Egyptian tunts, but I am not in any hurry. I will meet him when the time comes. When it does, I will just think about how compatible we are, if he's fun and compassionate, and how many times I will have to tell him to shut up while we're watching the Walking Dead.