Control

It's been a couple of weeks since I have last posted. I have developed a system where I walk 2-3 miles every day or every other day, and take a long walk one day a week. So far, I am able to walk about 6-7 miles before I get tired. I am hoping to reach 8 miles by the end of this week.

It's just been really rough lately. I have had several doctor visits, and I found out I had osteoporosis (among other things). Apparently, about 30-60% of people with Crohn's Disease get it. This makes me so angry because my doctor didn't recommend the bone density test, I did. If it is that common, why didn't my gastroenterologist warn me about it? I don't understand this method of intervention instead of prevention approach that doctors keep pushing.

Not that I have anything against doctors. Some are excellent, others are just working with what they know. But every time I think that things are falling into place, something happens that makes everything seem out of control. That lack of control can make a person feel guilty. Guilty about not having the energy to help around the house. Guilty about breaking dates with your family and friends. Guilty about calling in sick at work when everyone is counting on you. I love my job, but it is high stressed, and I know that I work 1000 times harder in order to be on the same level as everyone else.

It's times like these that I have to remember that I do have control over. For instance, I have control over my diet (which I will bring up in a later post, but it's extreme at the moment). I have control over what exercises I can do. I have been feeling sick the last few days, so even though I did not walk, I still lifted weights and did some yoga. I have control over my spirituality, which has greatly improves the last few months. I used to struggle with praying because of how angry I used to be - not at God, but at myself; I felt like I was not worthy of praying to him. I was also worried about praying while sitting (Muslims stand most of the time, but sometimes I don't have the energy), and if my prayer even counted. Now I perform all prayers, and I don't worry so much about sitting or standing. Religion is not meant to be hard, but it definitely has made a positive impact in my life the past year.

I have control when I ask for help. Dealing with Crohn's and life in general is so much more difficult if I try to do things myself. I still have difficulty with this, but I am working on it. Most importantly, I have control in telling my family how much I love them and how I appreciate their support. Seeing how many people have donated and are cheering me on, I am thankful for your support too. :)